In Search of Simplicity

This time last year I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. I knew it was time to simplify my life.

Every year when spring hits I have the urge to purge removing people and things from my life that I don't need. Last year I thought that in order to simplify my life I needed to simplify my personal relationships and remove anyone who I felt was making my life more complicated than I could emotionally handle. I was working through alot of personal self-esteem issues and really couldn't deal with living in an apartment with 2 adults and 2 children. You probably want to know more about that but that's a whole 'nother story.

So I decided it was time to move out and live on my own again, just me and my daughter. I was having trouble finding an afforable apartment; you can't even rent a basement for $1,000 in Queens nowadays. I was having trouble focusing on what I really needed to do. I had lost hope in the relationship I had with my roommates and thought I could find greater companionship with someone who claimed to love me for half of my life. I thought "yes, that's it someone who wants to get married and have a family who will love me and only me . . . that's simple, that's what I need"

I moved out and things were as simple as could be. I could have peace and quiet whenever I wanted. More importantly, I had time and space to clear my mind and work through my self-esteem issues. But I really wasn't doing much of anything . . . I was hibernating. And that's just what I needed. To shut myself off from the world for awhile and not have to be what anyone expected.

During my search for simplicity, I got engaged and my fiancee moved in. I'd known him for 15 years but soon would learn I didn't really know him at all. He lived a double life hiding who he really was from everyone. It didn't matter that I had spent many nights on the phone with him for hours over the past 15 years and that I had spent many days hanging out with him. I still didn't know who he really was. My old roommate tried to warn me but I didn't listen because I thought he was only saying bad things about my fiancee to keep me from moving out.

I kept the engagement going telling myself that I needed to stick to the commitment because I always break up with boyfriends so quickly. Most guys I dated never made it to boyfriend status anyway because they got on my nerves after a few days or weeks. In my almost 30 years of life, only 3 guys made it to boyfriend status. Out of those 3 guys only one relationship lasted more than 1 year and that was with my daughter's father. So back in 2006 after I broke up with my 3rd boyfriend I started this whole "I don't believe in Boyfriends" Campaign. This was the best thing for me. I'm a free spirit. Having a boyfriend and getting married would probably never work for me anyway. I was happy with my "Tell Me Again Why I Need a Boyfriend" Campaign. I wrote blogs about it and even had a tshirt that stated it. So how did I end up with a boyfriend 2 years later?

You see, in 2007 I was pregnant with my old roommate (that's also a whole 'nother story that I will post at a later date)But, wanting to have a child and then not having that child is a traumatic experience. I did not know how to grieve. I did not know how to mourn. I was ashamed. I was numb. I was hurting. This pain led me to search for simplicity.

I thought that by trying to be normal I'd find simplicity. I thought getting married to a man to share household responsibilities with would make my life easier. I thought "He's always been my friend. He loves me. It's all good"

So in 2008, I got engaged and then got married in 2009 after calling off the engagement at least 3 times. Why do I get so caught up in the idea of love? I'm a Lioness Goddess and we love to be in love so I guess it's just written in the stars. But once we were married he showed his true colors even more and that's when I said enough is enough. There was no honeymoon or honeymoon period. He thought I wouldn't leave or kick his ass out. But I was done.

I was done with searching for simplicity by searching for a partner, roommate, lover or husband. Done with thinking I'd have simplicity if I was normal. Done with feeling that I needed to meet someone else's expectations of me. Done with doing what they want me to do or what they think is best for me. I tried to do what everyone else does and it was all wrong for me.

In just 15 days I'll be 30 years old and I am happy to say that I am no longer hurting. I've released the pain through meditation, journal writing, yoga and forgiveness.

Finally, I found simplicity by searching within.

• Facebook
• Twitter
• StumbleUpon
• Digg
• Delicious
• Reddit
• Technorati