I've been thinking about writing this post since I came back from my little (well, not-so-little) cousin's wedding in Virginia in March. It was a massive family gathering, one that was utterly refreshing because I got to catch up with cousins that I haven't seen in years, meet the next generation, and celebrate a milestone for a cousin who has grown into a handsome, smart, motivated young man.
What's unique about this wedding is that MTV's True Life was there filming. My cousin and his fiance (now wife) were being taped for months for an episode about newlyweds (so it is said). At first, the family didn't know and when we found out there was a wide range of emotions, but mostly we became more serious about finding an outfit that looked good on TV. (Give thanks to Loehmann's.)
Anyhoo, the wedding was in the evening and during the day, I kept having this feeling that I would catch the bouquet. I'm not superstitious about this stuff and after going to multiple weddings for most years of my 20's, I have grown to kind of hate the bouquet toss because it feels like a desperate parade of single women. I know it's irrational but I don't want to battle some broads for some flowers that purportedly symbolize the coming of "happily ever after"? I'd like to believe I'm too cool for that now...though I'm kinda not.
Fast forward to the wedding reception, and it's time for the bouquet toss. My cousin and I get up and my other cousin refuses. (There's less of us these days.) I go because I "should" and more so because of my earlier premonitions. But to tempt fate, I stood behind a row of bridesmaids and off to the side. So the bouquet heads in my direction, I look at it going to the young ladies in front of me. Game over. Somehow one of the bridesmaids fumbles that thang and it ends up on the floor off to the side...a couple of feet from where I'm standing. I pause, look at the bridesmaids who dropped it waiting for them to run and grab it. I continue to wait...and it seemed like the entire wedding was waiting too. Nobody moved. It felt like time stopped and everyone froze like on that 80's show, "Out of this World." Being a hustlin' ass New Yorker and all, I ran up and swiped that bad boy off the ground. I kind of surprised myself but it seemed apparent that no one else was making moves towards it. So with the bouquet in my hand, my family literally erupts in cheers (like I had won the lotto or the Olympics) and I kiss and hug the bride and tell her that she has just made my parents night (read: year). Then the DJ cues Beyonce's anthem, "Single Ladies," to which I dance back to the table and do that little hand flick move from the video, showing off my ring...lol.
Later that night and in the following days, in recapping to friends, I realized a few things. One, my inner narcissist started to freak out about being seen on TV dancing happily with a bouquet. Really, jaz? I guess it revived the running debate in my head about how I feel about marriage as a feminist or womanist...whatever the appropriate label for someone who hates stereotyped gender roles. I know how these reality shows work...they piece clips together and tell the story they want to tell. I pictured myself on TV snatching a bouquet off the daggone floor and dancing with it edited to Beyonce, the anti-Christ to many feminists and womanists. Forget that fact that me catching/grabbing the bouquet is not even remotely central to my cousin's newlywed story, my mind is not immune to self-centered and self-deprecating fantasies.
I also realized that young women of today don't care about marriage as much in previous generations. Those bridesmaids in front of me were mostly in their early 20's. There weren't really that pressed for the bouquet because they left that joint right on the floor. That made me happy. I know I just turned 30 but something has clicked in me where I feel like I don't have time for bullshit in my personal and business relationships, or time to waste in general. I want to have children and a family and the biological clock is real. Real enough to make me snatch up that bouquet. It reminded me of when I caught the bouquet at my friend's wedding in 2005...I gave it right back to the bride. It's five years later, and I had no plans to give it back.
In the meantime, waiting for this show to air, I've been wrestling with how I feel about marriage and wanting a male partner to build with. The media, fueled by their obsession with the "black love crisis," has been hosting a pity party for black, single, educated women because we are doomed to be single and thus unhappy forever. Soror President Dr. Dorothy Irene Height passed away at 98, a fierce civil rights activist who fought for gender equality (among many, many other amazing accomplishments)...and she never married. And I went on some bad dates from online...but that's a whole other post.
I woke up Sunday morning knowing that my cousin's "True Life" would be premiering on Monday and I really wanted to write something about it. As I sat at the computer, I caught Gil Noble interviewing on Lena Horne on "Like It Is" back in 1982. I learned a lot about her life...that she was from Brooklyn, her grandmother was heavily involved in the Harlem Renaissance, and that she had been married. In the last 10 minutes of the interview the late Ms. Horne drops some serious jewels that are as relevant today as they were 30 years ago. She talks about how the "black love crisis" is universal and not just black (remember this was in 1982...so ain't nothing new under the sun). Most notably, she talks candidly about being an independent woman and even a loner but still appreciates having a strong man in her life.
"I like a partner, I like a friend...Any man that can be around me and make me feel comfortable and can put up with my jazz is a strong man. And I don’t say that proudly but life made me have to be tough on the outside but I’m not inside."
I've realized that it's not weak or corny or dependent or heterosexist or un-feminist/un-womanist to want a male partner. I think I'm doing myself a disservice and countering the Law of Attraction by being afraid to open up to the possibility without feeling like I'm buying into some hype that Disney sold me when I was a toddler. I'm understanding that it's human to want a partner in crime, and a family, and doesn't take away from me being a tough woman. I know too many bad ass married goddesses for that to be true. I see that in an attempt to combat co-dependency, I stopped myself from entertaining loving relationships. Marriage doesn't have to be boring and traditional which is what I think of it as...even though my parents have been happily married for almost 35 years. I don't have to be legally and financially tied to someone for us to be partners. Fuck it, the world is my oyster and my relationship can be whatever we make it. So I can go ahead, continue to honor and love myself, while I look to share that with another appropriate and deserving person. It's silly not to...Ms. Lena told me so.
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