What I'm Feeling

I've been really emotional the last few days...weeks...I dunno. It's been since I had some energy work done in NOLA. It was good for me, very necessarily and honestly a life-changing experience. I was fairly shaken up afterwards because I felt a real rush of emotions that I didn't quite know how to process; and I'm still learning to process them. I have had trouble expressing my emotions in the past and am getting better. It makes me uncomfortable. I live in New York. You are not supposed to show vulnerability. I worked in the music industry at one point; another place where showing emotion can be a liability (particularly as a woman). There was a lot of shit in my early-mid 20's that I didn't deal with and basically smoked away and pushed down into dark places within where I wouldn't have to face it. Now I'm facing it. I have to if I'm going to move on and have positive, productive relationships and bring love into my life.

It's raining today here in DC. It's dreary and it's making me a little sad. I'm also dealing with lots of emotions that I haven't felt in a very long time. It's scary too. This is just some stream of consciousness shit that I had to put down on "paper" (meaning Microsoft Word). I believe I deserve good things and good people in my life and recognize that I have them. I'm aware that I have blocks up but I'm not the only one. I'm trying to navigate through this existence to the best of my ability, that's all I can do. I'm putting myself out and being fuckin' real...reciprocity is all I'm asking for.

I sit in silence

Forced to smile and be personable

This damn PR life

Covering up the negative

The bullshit

The transparency

The anger

The disappointment

The confusion

The fear

Gotta make it look like all is perfect in my world

This smooth veneer

A masquerade of sorts

More tragedy than comedy

Don’t look behind the mask

Cause what you’ll see is a mess

My cover is blown

Don’t peak behind the curtain

You won’t like what you’ll see

But that’s me

Stripped naked

Bare and admittedly fucked up

It’s not pretty

Nowhere near perfect

A scared girl

Cowering

Tears streaming down her face

A wounded bird

I don’t want to be

Tired of playing the victim

And putting myself in that comfortable familiar role

To feel pain again

It nourishes my soul and replenishes my tears

How will I know?

Whitney asked in ‘86

We know by what’s in our hearts

Are we listening?

Can't end up with another Bobby

I got rid of him ages ago

His clones pop back up like my Donald Duck bop toy punching bag

I loved to fight that thing...

I’m still drawn to the suffering

This symbiotic relationship of self-inflicted torture

So fuckin’ dramatic, right?

Can't I get over it?!

Gotta be a woman up front

Fearless

Confident

Strong

The more you believe

The more you become

She’s not coming fast enough

Afraid to feel her

Who is she?

She longs to be touched

She needs food to grow

I binge

I purge

I starve

She rises

She shrinks

She emerges…

Better than I believed

Stronger than I imagined

Nix the press release

Fuck your talking points

She is the real thing

and she speaks for herself.

• Facebook
• Twitter
• StumbleUpon
• Digg
• Delicious
• Reddit
• Technorati