Facing the Music: Lessons from Whitney, Rihanna & Chris Brown

It's been a troubling weekend in pop culture land with the tragic and untimely passing of Whitney Houston, one of the biggest stars of our lifetime. She, just like Michael Jackson, was a huge part of my childhood and my inner child is feeling quite lost right now. I guess it's really time to grow up, huh?

Many of us tuned into the Grammys to see how they would pay tribute to the Queen of Pop. Jennifer Hudson sang a touching and understated rendition of "I Will Always Love You," and Ms. Houston got much love throughout the night. But aside from the mourning of Whitney, Chris Brown and Rihanna dominated the headlines, almost exactly 3 years after he almost ended her life. Yes, remember how he almost killed her? Now he is winning Grammys and performing pop hits to national audiences as if nothing ever happened. What a fucked up anniversary for Rihanna even though she was right on stage making her money too. Adding insult to injury, young women were tweeting their love (lust) of Chris Brown saying that he could beat them up any time (a terrible double entendre).

Yesterday a police report about the 2009 pre-Grammy incident between CB and Rihanna was released complete with graphic details about what happened. It made me physically sick to read...and then numb. Since this story first broke, I have been very much "Team Rihanna" and felt incredible amounts of sympathy and sadness for her. At the same time, I've felt remorse for Chris Brown who grew up watching his mom be abused and thus is repeating these patterns, all while feeling hypocritical and disgusted. I have said repeatedly that my prayer for them is that they can do some healing outside of the spotlight. But such is the grind that is the music industry...they have been releasing back to back albums since the incident, dying their hair and getting tatts, decorating their outsides while having to mask what's inside.  Chris Brown has barely shown any remorse, and Rihanna wants to pretend it never happened (can you blame her?).

Even three years later, feeling around this incident are still raw. It is a classic case of the complexity of domestic violence. Enter the victim-blaming. I have been around countless women who have said that they believe that Rihanna isn't as innocent as we think, and may have provoked CB.  I could relate because many moons ago I used to get physical with men. I was lucky I never got my ass beat thinking what I was doing was an acceptable resistance to gender roles. There is a legitimate power and strength dynamic between men and women. Most men know better than to hit a woman and that they never should, even if a woman is antagonizing and is physically violent. However, I also believe that particularly as women (but people in general), we need to keep our hands to ourselves and walk away from fights and drama just as men are instructed to. Violence does not help us fight patriarchy and it does NOT give us power. This is not an excuse for any physical abuse, domestic violence or intimate partner violence, it is about maintaining our personal safety.

Nobody knows what really went down but we do know he brutally beat her. It doesn't really matter what happened before that (like were they coked up and fighting?) because his extreme actions are not an acceptable response to anything she *may* have said or done short of her trying to literally kill him (gun/knife in hand). What saddens me is how so many of us have some sort of societal "Stockholm Syndrome." It still is hard for many women to believe that this talented young man would nearly kill the talented young woman he "loves." Is there that much cognitive dissonance that we can't wrap our heads around this possibility? But he sings and dances so well! And after all, Rihanna is a feisty Caribbean woman.

What about these rumors that they are seeing each other again? How many stories do we know/hear about where women end up back with their abuser or can't cut it off until many years later? Rihanna, like all of our celebrity idols, is human. It brings me back to Whitney...a complex and brilliant woman who stayed in a publicly abusive relationship riddled with substance abuse addiction. She said in interviews she just wanted a normal life. She was in pain. I'm not saying Rihanna is an addict (who knows?) but how could we judge her for using if she has to stay in the spotlight cranking out lucrative hits while never getting a real opportunity to retreat and heal herself? At this point in time with so many fallen musical legends, don't we see where these roads lead? Doing the same thing expecting different results is called insanity.

If we as adults are unable to process this, then how can we expect our young people to? Young girls are still proclaiming their love for Chris Brown, finding him so sexy that they say they WANT to be beaten by him. It's more than the typical "bad boy" attraction...it speaks to a lack of awareness and understanding of the realities and pain of domestic violence. How do we engage young women and young men to fully grasp the severity and long-lasting effects of intimate partner violence in all forms? How can we build women's self-esteem so that our own health and well-being trumps some man's looks, money, fame or companionship? How do we get ourselves so healthy that we sprint away from danger instead of running towards it headfirst eyes wide open?

I'm also still having trouble completely denouncing Chris Brown. Maybe I'm too forgiving, maybe my self-esteem is less than, maybe I have misplaced compassion, maybe I need to ask myself the questions above. What he did to Rihanna was vicious, it is inexcusable and deplorable. I refuse to make excuses for him or his behavior, however I see him as a young man in need of serious help and support. He could be a role model for young men and young women but instead I see him sink deeper into destruction. Look at him wilding out on Twitter (and remember Good Morning America?) mad at the Grammy backlash.

I believe in second chances but I also believe that you have to earn them. Has anyone (certainly not the industry or his "people") has made him to stop the grind, go away and handle his internal business? Anger management and community service do not count. He is consistently rewarded with money and awards for maintaining a "bad boy" persona singing songs about getting unsuspecting women to go back to his crib, and getting paper. But how is he different from James Brown? Miles Davis? Their transgressions against women were swept under the rug because of their musical genius. That didn't mean women still weren't getting beaten, or that these men were whole and in healthy relationships.

When are we going to stop these cycles and start holding each other accountable? How many more people have to die? We have to take a real hard look at ourselves, and admit our complexities and our humanity. We need to create and support spaces for people to tell real stories about their lives without fear of criticism and judgment (you listening, blogosphere?). Sure it's utopian but with the passing of Don Cornelius and Whitney Houston, this is our wakeup call to give mental health the credence it deserves. We are killing ourselves and each other. Let's talk candidly about the allure of addiction whether it's love, substances or otherwise.  We can only run so long from our pain and personal demons before they resurface with a vengeance. It's time for us face the music and start healing.

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Chris Brown vs. Rihanna

I do not pretend to be a good writer. I never imagined myself sharing my most personal fears and frustrations on the internet, but in this instance, I could not remain silent.

I watched both the Rihanna and Chris Brown interviews. The real gravity of this situation seemingly would have been lost if these responses were not made public, timed, coincidentally of course, before the release their new albums.

Watching the interview, I thought back to my own experience with abuse. Although the majority of his offenses against me where verbal in nature, there was one physical incident that eventually led to my relocation to Florida and a new life that was certainly unexpected and uninvited.

As I watched Rihanna speak, I could hear her pain. When she mentioned the emptiness in his eyes as he was beating her, I felt a shiver down my spine as I remembered the same cold, black and soulless look that my abuser took on whenever he was in one of his rages. His eyes still haunt me today.

In watching Chris Brown’s response, I saw no remorse whatsoever. I sincerely believe that everyone makes mistakes. God knows I have made my fair share. But I can’t help to think that he was more concerned with people not liking him and the loss of his endorsements etc, than he was with the severity of his offense.

As I listened to each word, the anger in my own heart began to swell and I realized that I have not completely healed from that situation. Despite the progress that I have made since, the resentment stays with me. My heart has hardened in some ways. My youth was taken from me. With it, went my innocence and my trust in others. I continue to look for the good in people, but find myself waiting for the day that they will ultimately disappoint me.

I was speaking with one of my best friends over the weekend. I came to the conclusion that I could name at least seven CLOSE friends who have recently suffered mental and/or physical abuse. Of these, all are successful, educated, and beautiful women; none of which, from the outside, fit our typical model of a “battered woman”. In speaking with each, I recognize the embarrassment, anger, and fear that each carries.

I can not offer any solutions. I do not pretend to have the answer. What I will say is that healing is eminent.

To each of us, I speak healing, peace and forgiveness.

To all of the beautiful women that I love….Be Strong. Be Encouraged. Be You.

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Everybody knows somebody

Even before Chris Brown and Rihanna got major national attention, domestic violence was getting news coverage almost every day. For example, almost every day in 'The New York Daily News,' you can find an article about a murder of a woman of color in NYC (or surrounding areas) by her husband/boyfriend/ex/babydaddy/some-other-asshole-in-her-life. It may be on page 6 or page 18, the headline may be large or tiny, but it's there because it's happening. However, it's emergence in the world of celebrity smacked us all in the face, and opened up some real dialogue about domestic violence in our communities, and in folks' every day realities.

On Saturday in October (Domestic Violence Awareness Month), Kevin Powell, along with Twenty-First Century Foundation, Hot 97, KISS-FM, Fort Greene Peace, Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc., Black Girls Rock!, April Silver/AKILA WORKSONGS, Inc., Bucktown USA, CONNECT, Scenarios USA, liveamerica.com, Emerald Entertainment and Sports, and Domestic Workers United, hosted the Domestic Violence Prevention Summit, an all-day symposium of panels, poetry, and performance art focused around domestic violence awareness.

The day was hopeful, candid, depressing, harrowing, inspiring, emotional and heavy all at once. I missed the teen panel but entered during a discussion with a young man in the audience saying that his generation needs to step up and take responsibility. He expressed that older folks aren't effectively reaching young people, so they are need to take these positive messages and flip it to make it relevant to themselves. Hip-hop came up in this conversation, and throughout the day, because we (as in the "older" segment of the Hip-Hop generation) look down on them and what the music has become and their experience of Hip-Hop culture. The young man makes many good points, I refuse to believe that young people are not apathetic. The fact that he was there on a Saturday afternoon is proof positive.

Two powerful keynote speakers shared their survival stories of gang rape, incest, and physical and emotional torture in their relationships. "Some of the most damaging abuse is emotional, mental, control, manipulation and everyone saying your crazy," the 1st sister, a heterosexual white(?) woman, explained. The 2nd sister, a lesbian woman of color, talked about the constant victimization even outside of the relationship. People (friends, cops, hospital staff) couldn't understand why she wouldn't fight her partner back. She faced humiliation and discouragement. Both women experienced abuse all throughout their lives, as children growing up watching it and experiencing it from their families. Both women mentioned the issues of substance abuse. Both women felt they had nowhere to turn for support and safety. Now they are helping other women navigate dangerous situations and are bravely sharing their experiences as advocates.

Byron Hurt, filmmaker and women's advocate, talked about how he became an ardent speaker against misogyny and sexism, particularly in communities of color. He learned about gender roles as a football player in high school, but in college joined an anti-violence advocacy organization, despite fears that his boys would think he was "soft," "corny," "wack," etc. He committed himself to unlearning misogyny, and has become a strong proponent of men allowing themselves to express their emotions, so they don't manifest in more destructive ways.

There were organizations with tables there offering domestic violence resources including: Audre Lorde Project, Safe Horizon, The Safe Homes Project via Good Shepherd Services, to name a few.

Kevin Powell who organized and hosted the event is a staunch advocate for eliminating violence in our communities, particularly against women. He has made this a major focus of his activism and below is an essay he wrote about how all of us can provide support to friends, family, acquaintances or anyone who has experienced/is experiencing domestic violence. It was posted during Domestic Violence Month, but you can take these actions all year long.

7 Things You Can Do To Support Victims And Survivors of Domestic Violence

By KEVIN POWELL, author of the new book Open Letters to America (which includes the essay, “Open Letter to An American Woman,” a meditation on the various forms of violence women and girls confront every single day, and why women’s leadership matters, and is needed more than ever).

1. Turn your Facebook profile or Twitter avatar PURPLE, and encourage everyone in your social network to do the same, for the entire month of October. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and PURPLE is the international color for domestic violence. OR wear a PURPLE ribbon or something PURPLE throughout the month of October.
2. Create a domestic violence awareness forum in your community, at your spiritual/religious institution, at your workplace, or at your school, so that you and others, females and males alike, can talk freely about domestic violence, and ways to end it. If you need literature for your gathering, please visit http://www.ndvh.org/resources/resource-download-center/ to download great material.
3. Share my two essays with males in your community, be they nonviolent males or former abusers, since men and boys are more likely to abuse women and girls rather than the other way around:
Ending Violence Against Women and Girls
Men Can Stop Domestic Violence

Still not convinced, visit this site to get critical statistics about who is most likely to be a victim of domestic violence in America:
4. Contact your local domestic violence agency or battered women’s shelter to see if you can volunteer your time. There may be special events where extra hands are needed during October. But you should consider volunteering at any time of year. Domestic violence happens every single day in America.
5. Tweet or retweet a link to an article or blog entry about domestic violence. Use Facebook, Digg, Linked-In, and other social networking sites to help promote articles about Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
6. If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic violence, PLEASE ENCOURAGE them to get help in the form of counseling, support groups, reading material, etc. AND PLEASE CALL the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 if you or someone you know needs assistance or guidance immediately.
7. If you are still not clear on what domestic violence is, please go to this site to get the basic definition:

PLEASE share this definition with others, especially women and girls, since women and girls are the most likely to be the victims of domestic violence.

NOTE: Feel free to share 7 Things You Can Do To Support Victims And Survivors of Domestic Violence with your friends, family members, job or business associates, schoolmates, and others. Information is power and leads to action, practical solutions, and self-empowerment.

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Black eyes and broken hearts

In honor and respect to the blog "The Kitchen Table" by Princeton professors and wise goddesses, Melissa Harris Lacewell and Yolanda Pierce, goddess sparkle of Incredible JuJu and myself are engaging in an ongoing dialogue addressing intimate partner violence in light of the Rihanna and Chris Brown situation.

sparkle,

It's 3 days into this Rihanna and Chris Brown debacle and we've already seen people at their best and worst. The details that come out of the case are more and more disturbing. It makes me wanna cry for these young people and their fans. I am saddened for Rihanna, especially because she has to attempt to heal in the midst of this circus.

I've been very interested, and troubled, in watching how this issue of violence is being covered. Initially the online comments about her deserving it, being mouthy, giving him herpes, being jealous, etc. were out of hand. Everyone was rushing to put their two cents in only knowing pieces of the story. What do we really know? That Rihanna is in physical, mental and emotional pain at the hands of her boyfriend, sweet-faced golden boy Chris Brown. Even I, quick to defend women, halted because it just couldn't be real. Nor could I stomach all the ignorance around me that essentially excused Brown and blamed Rihanna. I didn't want to believe it, I was comfortable with the smoke and mirrors. I also see how his upbringing in a violent environment, compounded with the privilege of celebrity, has helped create this monster. But now that we have more facts about their fight, which spurred from sexual texts from another woman, the masses are angry...well, generally speaking. The battle lines have been drawn but I don't feel like fighting. I want us to heal instead. Figure out how to stop the cycles. Speak candidly with young people. That's what this dialogue is about to me.

Clearly, there are more vocal folks who have other goals. I'm disturbed by organizations, businesses, companies, etc. using this story for publicity and promotional stunts. Case in point, WBLI in Long Island, is hosting a "Pre-Valentine's Day Bash" where they will be shredding pictures of Chris Brown and destroying his CDs, purportedly in support of Rihanna. Strange enough. But they are encouraging women who have been in bad relationships, violent or not, to come and shred pics and momentos from their old lovers.

Goddess knows that I've had some shredder-worthy exes. But "Join Rihanna's Side OR if you're unlucky in love," as the headline states below is straight insanity. Um, being unlucky in love has nothing to do with being in a violent relationship. There are plenty of shitty relationships that are completely peaceful so why are these people trying to incite some sort of destruction party playing on scorned women's emotions and the general backlash of Valentine's Day by many single and "coupled" people? Because it's a dumb stunt to begin with and it will be more likely to draw numbers if you can invite and incite disgruntled women trying to heal from bad relationships.

Note the press release. It doesn't offer stats on domestic violence but about divorce rates. Huh, divorce? What is WBLI doing to create dialogues about intimate partner violence? Are they talking to listeners and offering NYC and Long Island based resources? Spending time shredding old pictures and letters can be cathartic for many people but how is that a constructive use of energy, time and resources? A big thumbs down to WBLI for completely missing the point.

in solidarity,
jaz

(and if you think that this publicity stunt is wack, the contact info and details are below...let 'em know!)

Thousands of Rihanna Supporters in New York and Long Island Expected to Shred Chris Brown CDs and Posters for Pre-Valentines Day Bash.

JOIN RIHANNA'S SIDE OR IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY IN LOVE! THEN SHRED YOUR EX RIGHT BEFORE VALENTINE’S DAY IN NATIONWIDE PROTEST!!!

New York is having a “Shred Your Ex” party the day before Valentines Day. Radio Station WBLI has invited members of Rihanna's Fan Club and other fans across the nation to join the pop star's side along with others who are “unlucky in love.”

According to Nancy Cambino, the station's operations manager, “Valentine's Day should stand for love so we find it fitting to make the Friday the 13th right before Valentine’s Day a day for revenge for those who were unlucky in love. Whether you're a Rihanna fan or not, we can all empathize with being with someone who caused love to go wrong.”

Statistically 40 percent of America will be alone on Valentines Day. Divorce rate is at an all-time high in the last few years, and radio station BLI wants to bring America together for a common cause.

WHEN: FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13TH
10:30am

WHERE: THE BLI STUDIOS
555 SUNRISE HIGHWAY
WEST BABYLON, NY

Rhianna Friends, supporters, fans and those who were unlucky in love will be invited to come to the BLI Studios in New York on Friday, the 13th with photos, letters or other mementos from ex-lovers to shred in the wood chipper!

Contact: King Communications
TJ Scott 646-896-1128

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Love, Pain and Hope

I've worked myself up into a tizzy today about this Chris Brown and Rihanna purported domestic violence situation. I can't say more than has already been said...I hope that Chris Brown didn't physically assault Rihanna. Truly. I hope that he can stop the cycle of violence that he witnessed as a child. I hope that Rihanna has not experienced intimate partner violence. Now and ever. I hope people start to think about the way they talk and think about domestic violence, and how men and women relate to one another.

If you've been online and reading Facebook statuses, blog comments and Twits, then you have probably seen some ignorant commentary insinuating that Rihanna as a "mouthy, Caribbean woman" deserved it for pissing him off. Or that she gave him herpes and he should have fought her. Ay, and the jokes with "Umbrella, ella, ella...". Super wack.

With the rise of domestic violence affecting the Hip-Hop community, or at least the light is actually shining on it, I hope we can talk about the pervasiveness of gender and intimate partner violence, particularly in communities of color. How are young fans of Chris Brown and Rihanna processing this? Some people think it's trivial to even talk about these celebs because their lives are insignificant to the rest of us. When I read a comment from a concerned mother whose 12 year-old informed her that "Chris Brown beat up Rihanna," I knew that this is bigger than gossip. In our celebrity crazy society, they become role models for young people. I hope there areinformed adults around to talk to these young folks about violence in their relationships and how to denounce it! Love hurts sometimes but your partner should not be inflicting pain on you. I have been on both sides of the coin...it is something that needs to be stopped and cycles must be broken. Another comment said "Barack wouldn't treat Michelle that way." enough said.

I said I wasn't gonna get all into it so here's some links to domestic violence resources, and some blog posts of note to check about this.

Family Violence Prevention Fund
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Guttmacher Institute
afrobella
jezebel
Giant

Happier times...

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