I Give Thanks

A few hours ago, I turned 37 years old. And in a few hours from now, I will be on a plane with my mother and aunt to Puerto Rico. I wish I could say it was a celebratory trip, but it's not. My grandmother is in the hospital. Although I originally hoped she would recover enough so that we might be able to bring her home, I now know that is not going to happen. So I'm going home to say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time.

Since I turned 30, my birthday has taken on a different meaning for me. It's a time when I look back on the past year of my life to think about what have I done, where can I still grow, and where am I going. My birthday has been a chance to ask myself, "Am I the person I want to be? Am I living the life I want to live?" And while my heart is breaking, I can look back on the last year and be thankful for all the love I have in my life.

So on this birthday, more than anything else, I want to give thanks for the women in my life.

I will start, where most things in my family start, with my grandmother, Carmen. I give thanks for her enduring strength, her love and loyalty to family, and her ferocity in life. She is the center of my universe, the backbone of my family, and a major reason why I do what I do.

I give thanks for my mother, Zaida, who sacrificed herself for me, my education and my chance to live my own life. My mother let me be me, and loves me anyway. My mother, who fought like hell against cancer so she could live. My mother possesses a joie de vivre I can only dream of.

I give thanks for all my aunts, Camelia, Myrna, Nereida and Rosario (gone too long), and my other mother, Diana, in whose arms and presence I learned all the lovely complexities of family and womanhood.

I am thankful for my older cousins, Millie, Lorraine, Roxanne and Michele. I give thanks to my younger cousins, Barbara, Annie, Sarah, Lindsay, Kelli, Samantha, Ashley, and now Kailey, Alyssa and Sophia, too. They looked out for me and made space for me in their lives. They accepted me, warts and all, and stood by me. They taught me how to dance and how to laugh, especially at myself.

I give thanks for my best friend, my partner in crime, and my pillar of strength, Maribel. She has celebrated my best moments, and held me during my worst. She has never let me down. I don't know what I would without her.

I am thankful for my nieces, Brianna, Ciara, Adrianna and Alexis, and my stepdaughters, Gudrun, Ella and Ruby. I am awed by their strength and courage. I am inspired by their love and devotion. I couldn't love them more if they were mine.

I give thanks for my girls, from my oldest to my newest friends. They have shown me patience and understanding. They have pushed me to take chances, taught me to be fearless and helped me grow into a better person.

On this, my 37th birthday, I give thanks for all the women in my life, who have made me what I am today.

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Allowing for Vulnerability

It's the beginning of the Sun in Aquarius, one of my favorite times of the year because my birthday is here and I feel very much at "home" and in my comfort zone with the Sun in my sign. I tend to think of Aquarians as gregarious, eccentric, humanitarian creatures floating along through life, bringing joy to everyone they meet. Perhaps I'm biased...

But lately, I've been reading horoscopes that have focused on the cool and detached nature of Aquarians of which I seem to forget. Although I'm very passionate about most things, generally speaking we do like to be too cool for school, especially when it comes to emotions. And we do NOT want people to know what we are really feeling. Revealing emotions is like being naked...it's a space of vulnerability.

As a dancer and performer, I've been thinking lots about how I convey feelings on the physical stage and on life's stage. The quote below was given to me by one of my burlesque teachers and it has opened my eyes to how I've been holding myself back. It's helping me allow myself to be in touch with what I'm feeling and more importantly, to bravely express it. I can't hide behind the planets on either stage so I accept this challenge with the Sun on my side.

"Life requires vulnerability. I treat myself gently and allow myself to be vulnerable. I accept myself as I am today without the need for perfection. I allow myself the freedom to learn without grandiose expectations. I am a living being, I allow my life to flow more broadly across the experience. I allow mys life to rest in the sun of self-acceptance."

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5 and counting

(bamboo--a sign of good fortune, wealth, longevity courtesy of flowersgrowing.com)

When I decided to start my business, I read a statistic that over 90% of businesses fail in their first 5 years. That made me bat an eyelash or two. I wondered how I’d fare in that statistic. In my youthful and ambitious naivete, I told myself that Swirl PR would be that 1 out of 5 that would make it. Failing wasn’t a consideration.

Swirl PR stands 5 years later. Though existing in a quite different realm than what I first envisioned and only imagined, it still remains. I truly consider it my child, it is something that needs attention, love, care, molding, and energy…it’s a living, breathing thing. I feel like a mom who doesn’t have enough time to spend with her baby but works to create a vast future of possibilities. I’m quite happy where I am and understand that sometimes you have to follow before you can lead. I’m able to now see patterns that must break, and the keys to my success.

I’ve met truly enriching brilliant people, had folks work my last nerve, traveled the country, ran the city streets, partied like a rock star, completely exhausted myself, remained calm and resourceful, lost my cool, pushed too hard, took myself took seriously, didn’t take myself serious enough, exceeded expectations and disappointed a few. But I shined, I’m content and proud, and it made me. The future brings a world of endless possibilities.

Wishing Swirl PR, my baby, a happy 5 years of life. (I’m about to get my liner notes thank yous on real quick)

Special thanks to Kevin of Flippin Jointz that gave me the idea for this hair-brained scheme and hazed me over the phone, QueenMakedaB who introduced me to Kevin and motivated me to sweat, push and focus many a day and night, St. Mary’s Center (thnx Mrs. Tariq and Jackie, AllHipHop.com (the Gunshow!), Terrie Williams, Imagenation (thnx to Kgantsi and Greg), Lea Byrd, Candace Sandy, Warm Fuzzy Publicity, WBAI, the journalists that humored me, the publicists who hooked up the swag, strong and inspirational tastemaking colleagues, the cool and the obnoxious bouncers of the NYC nightlife industry, the NYC subway system, UPTOWN (Mt. Vernon, Washington Heights and Harlem), pineapple crippie, Tina Saldavar (my homey 4 life!), my family, friends, and my parents who have supported me through this journey in too many ways to speak of. And all who have ever blessed us with positive thoughts and warm energy. You know who you are. I’m all emotional.

Melody and Selina—you are the bedrock. I’m grateful to you always and love you.

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Solstice Dreams from the Darkness

Today is the Winter Solstice i.e. the shortest day and longest night of the year. This is the first day of winter which used to make me really unhappy since I don't like the cold. I'm working on appreciating the seasons, especially winter, this year because they are part of Mother Earth's cycle which a true goddess must appreciate and ultimately revere. Though it means we will be facing at least 3 months of short days and long nights of cold weather (depending on where you are), it also marks the return of the sun. After the solstice, days are getting longer and we are getting more sunlight to usher in a new period of growth, known as the spring.

Many spiritual traditions honor the solstice as a time to put forth wishes and intentions for the year. Winter is a time of death, out with the old. But it also represents the birth of the new, when the Sun is reborn. The idea is that your dreams, intentions, desires, hopes can grow with the Sun to bloom in the Spring and live through the next cycle. It's the same concept of a New Year's resolution but this is Mother Earth's new year and you're working with her energy to make your dreams a reality, rather than Dick Clark (does he still even host that? Big up to another Mt. Vernon High School grad).

I think it's also a time to let some things die. Maybe old habits, patterns, ways of thinking, relationships, connections. Old doesn't necessarily signify length of time but things that are stagnant and rotting, cluttering up your energy and path to rebirth. I've been feeling this death inside, but I'm positively realizing that I must be in tune with my Mother and my Creator.

As day turns into night, I'm going to light some candles and hold my own funeral. It is not morbid, but parts of me are rotting and I feel the dead weight. I am happy to die.

I'm also going to celebrate my birthday. I am being reborn into a truer self than the last. There are realities to face and parts of my being that have been waiting to wake up with the Sun.

I wrote the following on the train a couple of days ago from a part of me that is dying a slow, prolonged, staggering, dramatic death. Perhaps it's my eulogy.

Where is my freedom?
if i let my soul be free
my pockets will be empty

the 4 walls close in tighter around me
time is not mine
only parsed out in hours assigned to arbitrary dollar amounts
is that my worth?

this structure feels like armor
though it doesn't protect me
it inhibits my movement
and keeps me stiff
or maybe it's a girdle
which explains why i can't breathe

this Groundhog Day i live
trying to rectify yesterday's mistakes
and do better than before
but I wake up
and tomorrow is the same as yesterday

my small victories toward conformity
make me feel more defiant
offering too much of myself
deflecting from work on me
more stunted growth

throwing boomerangs at society's fortress
bang on walls to be let out
an outburst in a vacuum
i get smacked by my own ammunition

look up in the clouds
360 degrees of dense fog
every direction could be my path
so i take one step at a time
deeper into the abyss
of an enforced life
that doesn't fit

the goddess inside screams through my lungs
pounds on my chest
punches me in the gut
until I listen to her pleas

a language I can't decipher
but can feel
her whispers in my ear
sing songs of liberty...
"it's all in your mind"

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