Many of us tuned into the Grammys to see how they would pay tribute to the Queen of Pop. Jennifer Hudson sang a touching and understated rendition of "I Will Always Love You," and Ms. Houston got much love throughout the night. But aside from the mourning of Whitney, Chris Brown and Rihanna dominated the headlines, almost exactly 3 years after he almost ended her life. Yes, remember how he almost killed her? Now he is winning Grammys and performing pop hits to national audiences as if nothing ever happened. What a fucked up anniversary for Rihanna even though she was right on stage making her money too. Adding insult to injury, young women were tweeting their love (lust) of Chris Brown saying that he could beat them up any time (a terrible double entendre).
Yesterday a police report about the 2009 pre-Grammy incident between CB and Rihanna was released complete with graphic details about what happened. It made me physically sick to read...and then numb. Since this story first broke, I have been very much "Team Rihanna" and felt incredible amounts of sympathy and sadness for her. At the same time, I've felt remorse for Chris Brown who grew up watching his mom be abused and thus is repeating these patterns, all while feeling hypocritical and disgusted. I have said repeatedly that my prayer for them is that they can do some healing outside of the spotlight. But such is the grind that is the music industry...they have been releasing back to back albums since the incident, dying their hair and getting tatts, decorating their outsides while having to mask what's inside. Chris Brown has barely shown any remorse, and Rihanna wants to pretend it never happened (can you blame her?).
Even three years later, feeling around this incident are still raw. It is a classic case of the complexity of domestic violence. Enter the victim-blaming. I have been around countless women who have said that they believe that Rihanna isn't as innocent as we think, and may have provoked CB. I could relate because many moons ago I used to get physical with men. I was lucky I never got my ass beat thinking what I was doing was an acceptable resistance to gender roles. There is a legitimate power and strength dynamic between men and women. Most men know better than to hit a woman and that they never should, even if a woman is antagonizing and is physically violent. However, I also believe that particularly as women (but people in general), we need to keep our hands to ourselves and walk away from fights and drama just as men are instructed to. Violence does not help us fight patriarchy and it does NOT give us power. This is not an excuse for any physical abuse, domestic violence or intimate partner violence, it is about maintaining our personal safety.
Nobody knows what really went down but we do know he brutally beat her. It doesn't really matter what happened before that (like were they coked up and fighting?) because his extreme actions are not an acceptable response to anything she *may* have said or done short of her trying to literally kill him (gun/knife in hand). What saddens me is how so many of us have some sort of societal "Stockholm Syndrome." It still is hard for many women to believe that this talented young man would nearly kill the talented young woman he "loves." Is there that much cognitive dissonance that we can't wrap our heads around this possibility? But he sings and dances so well! And after all, Rihanna is a feisty Caribbean woman.
What about these rumors that they are seeing each other again? How many stories do we know/hear about where women end up back with their abuser or can't cut it off until many years later? Rihanna, like all of our celebrity idols, is human. It brings me back to Whitney...a complex and brilliant woman who stayed in a publicly abusive relationship riddled with substance abuse addiction. She said in interviews she just wanted a normal life. She was in pain. I'm not saying Rihanna is an addict (who knows?) but how could we judge her for using if she has to stay in the spotlight cranking out lucrative hits while never getting a real opportunity to retreat and heal herself? At this point in time with so many fallen musical legends, don't we see where these roads lead? Doing the same thing expecting different results is called insanity.
If we as adults are unable to process this, then how can we expect our young people to? Young girls are still proclaiming their love for Chris Brown, finding him so sexy that they say they WANT to be beaten by him. It's more than the typical "bad boy" attraction...it speaks to a lack of awareness and understanding of the realities and pain of domestic violence. How do we engage young women and young men to fully grasp the severity and long-lasting effects of intimate partner violence in all forms? How can we build women's self-esteem so that our own health and well-being trumps some man's looks, money, fame or companionship? How do we get ourselves so healthy that we sprint away from danger instead of running towards it headfirst eyes wide open?
I'm also still having trouble completely denouncing Chris Brown. Maybe I'm too forgiving, maybe my self-esteem is less than, maybe I have misplaced compassion, maybe I need to ask myself the questions above. What he did to Rihanna was vicious, it is inexcusable and deplorable. I refuse to make excuses for him or his behavior, however I see him as a young man in need of serious help and support. He could be a role model for young men and young women but instead I see him sink deeper into destruction. Look at him wilding out on Twitter (and remember Good Morning America?) mad at the Grammy backlash.
I believe in second chances but I also believe that you have to earn them. Has anyone (certainly not the industry or his "people") has made him to stop the grind, go away and handle his internal business? Anger management and community service do not count. He is consistently rewarded with money and awards for maintaining a "bad boy" persona singing songs about getting unsuspecting women to go back to his crib, and getting paper. But how is he different from James Brown? Miles Davis? Their transgressions against women were swept under the rug because of their musical genius. That didn't mean women still weren't getting beaten, or that these men were whole and in healthy relationships.
When are we going to stop these cycles and start holding each other accountable? How many more people have to die? We have to take a real hard look at ourselves, and admit our complexities and our humanity. We need to create and support spaces for people to tell real stories about their lives without fear of criticism and judgment (you listening, blogosphere?). Sure it's utopian but with the passing of Don Cornelius and Whitney Houston, this is our wakeup call to give mental health the credence it deserves. We are killing ourselves and each other. Let's talk candidly about the allure of addiction whether it's love, substances or otherwise. We can only run so long from our pain and personal demons before they resurface with a vengeance. It's time for us face the music and start healing.
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